2004-05-14 - 3:02 a.m.
"it's a magical world, hobbs old buddy, lets go exploring." Calvin and Hobbs
Demented thoughts race through my head as i sit here staring at the screen wondering what to write. It is three in the morning and i have yet to sleep. Things to do are piling up. Written assignments pile on top of the verbal ones I have yet to complete. I will finish them later. For now I have decided that I want time to think. Time to breath, time to let my mind wander to that which matters least, for to me it is most important.
I find myself spening more and more time thinking about what I want to do, or what I should do. I don't reminise on what I have done, or what I've accomplished. I've had goals, and I've met them. I ponder the meaning of future. Where does it all add up? I ask myself. The ideas swirl inside the giant cosmos that is my head and decide to weave together to form ideas that I do not wish to speak aloud.
I can hear her there, inside. The consieted twisted demented words that she so often presses into me so she knows she has control. The way her voice slithers down your back but the scales seem to sooth you as you try to fight but find yourself giving massages. I strangle the thought pushing it away and trying to forget. Trying to make it all go away with the flash of control I have found.
I think that she may be right sometimes. I agree with her to myself believing that if she says it is so then it is. The others tell me i'm wrong but my mind doesn't listen sometimes, sometimes it does as it pleases without my control. It takes it's own sick leave and packs it's bags, whooshing me away to far off distant places where there is no hope of return. Sadly, it does return after a while, to let me brood and think and ponder that which I had thought I forgot.
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