2004-11-06 - 2:41 p.m.
Ohhh boy. Lots of shit. I hate shit. Shit makes the world look ugly... It really does. I hate it how you just start to think things are going really really great and then .. *snap* like that they're shit.
I got a wonderful call from my aunt the other day. It turns out her sister got in a car accident with this boy and another girl. The boy died. Scarey thing: I knew him. Scarier thing: My aunt's sister *also my aunt* could die.
I hate death. it's the scariest thing ever. I haven't really told anybody. Except Janet. She came over and helped me work things out. She let me cry and stuff.. it was cool. I hate crying in front of people, it makes me feel like a peice of shit.
Then again.. i kinda am a peice of shit. I can't sit here and take things and turn them around for the best.
My grandma offered no help what so ever. She decided to tell me about when she was little and got in a car accident with her mom. She was eight and her mom was wearing a strapless dress. She told me that the dress got ripped right off of her mom and her step brother died. WAY TO BE FUCKING COMOFORTING!
I guess I'm glad no body knows. However, I suspect that if this entry is read a few other people will know. Oh well. Just don't say anything about it to me. I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to think about death, I don't want to listen to sad songs that tell you everything will be cool. I know everything will be cool.
I just have to get used to it.
The whole thing made me think about what I would have done if something happened to my grandparents. That made me cry too. WHAT THE FUCK IS MY PROBLEM?! CRYING SUCKS ASS AND SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED! I hate it. I hate it so fucking much, it makes me feel weak and useless and like I should be doing something to make things better even if i don't know how.
I wanted to get soo fucked up lastnight. I wanted to take pills, smoke weed, get drunk.. and believe me I had the opportunity. Some dude I don't eve know came up to me and asked me if I wanted to buy a five spot. I so would have if shadow hadn't have been there. DRUG TESTING SUCKS ASS. I need to get some of those pills that clean your system out real fast. That would rock.
Anyways, I'll stop waistin your time. I've got to take a shower.
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