2004-11-20 - 11:17 p.m.
Note: I'm using names today because i'm so fucking ... justt grr read:
I'm so fucking pissed. I know I shouldn't be.. it's kinda a cross between pissed and unbelievably depressed. I don't really get so much as a phone call from them anymore. I don't fucking matter. I wish Janet and shadow would just get to fucking gether because it's killing me.
I also wish I had friends who I mattered to. Someone I could talk to and hang out with and not be ditched by and treated like shit. Yeah yeah, whiney little bitch I know, but I can't help it ya know? I just get lonely sometimes. I know things can't go back to the way they were. With anyone. It's just not pissible anymore. I've pushed to far away and i've created so many fucking walls.. I just want to .. like.. gah I don't even know.
I think about sam more and more often. About how much I hated being with him, but loved it all at the same time. I wonder how he's doing in Africa and all that shit. *sigh* I don't know.
SOo my day today:
Talked to shadow once, he came to work with me and stuff, twas fun.. for awhile. Then Janet calls. I love janet, with everything I have she's fucking awesome, but I never know what to think about her. Her and shadow flirt so hard core... and she knows! But she doesn't care. It makes me angry.. and jeaolous. Oh well. Anyways, then Shadow gets a text from roxy and she wants him to go the movie. Without the slightest thought he decides he's gunna go, but that's ok cause Janet will stay with me! Or at least that's what I think until she comes to buy a movie ticket. Yeah. Ditched. Whatever, i can deal with that. So I entertain myself while they are in the movie, hoping they'll come out and see if maybe I want to come in and watch it with them, cause I really do. But nobody comes.. nobody cares. Bah, i'm a loser.
So the movie takes forever to get out, but then they come out. Yes! Ha! SO i start selling tickets and showing them the course I made for the little cars *bout the best part of my day* and i turn around, and they're gone. Yep, like that. No goodbye no "wanna come hang out." They just leave.
I guess last night they went over to brandons house and watched a movie. Thanks for inviting me guys. I had a lot of fun sitting at home. I pretended to. Emily stayed the night, we were both drunk of our asses. Well.. I was.. she wasn't really i don't think.. Or maybe it was vise versa. Anyways, I'm just a phonecall away and I don't even get that.
I'm so fucking.. just.. alone. I hate it. I hate being alone.
I'm going to go and .. just.. go now.