2004-11-29 - 11:12 p.m.
It's been a kinda hectic week already. Not that it takes much for me to lose it and think the world it falling down around me. I've decided i really really really really REAAALLLLY (in case you ddin't get it from the first couple really's) Don't like being seperate from kip and kels. We spent thanksgiving together and saying goodbye when sunday rolled around was harder than I thought it would be. It was so right havin her around agian. I used to think she depended on me, however as she got on the ferry and i tried not to break in to tears I realized that I think I depended on her. She was the only steady thing in my life for a long time. Now she's gone.
I understand his reasoning. He's happy where he is now, I know he doesn't want to uproot and move here just for a year when i'll be taking off for college anyways.. What good does that do? None. So we'll just go on like we are. Playing these little "Hide and don't let the grown ups catch us cause if they do they'll take us apart" games. Heh. I do have family... It's just far away.
I'm kinda jumbled about other things as well. When it comes to the weekend before last.. I've come up with a couple reason's why I'm all confused and mixed up and can't decide how I feel about anything. One: I'm afraid that if I get to close it'll be pulled away. Not good. Two: It's not supposed to be around anyways. I know it...he knows it.. it's just.. NOT. Three: It's couldn't last anyways. So that's the end of that. I'm incapable of relationships anyways. He deserves better... or ... has better? Fucked if I know.
Bleck. After writing that I contemplate erasing it. It's yucky. Ahh welll.. Maybe I'll like to read it later. I'm back to that feeling... that one that makes daily life just.. bleck. Barfy stuff is going on. I'm getting those.. angry feelings.. *heh sound like some creepy kid* you know the ones I'm talking about though. The ones that tell you you have no reason to feel the way you do and it makes you unhappy cause you have no right to be. It makes sense in my head.
Mhmmm.. Crackers. Crackers are yummy. I'm going to write down the one thing someone said to me the other day that completely made my day. It's got to be the sweetest thing ever though I'm not sure it was meant to be:
"Don't lose the fake ditzy stuff. It makes you enjoyable."
I wonder how Sam is over there In africa.. or .. europe.. wherever he is now.. I'm not so sure anymore. Hope all is well for him and all that jazz. Heh.. that was a subject change.
Ooh, been looking at schools again. I really need to find a few others .. you know other than the top ones.. cause they are hard to get into.. I gatta get some easy to get into schools to lean back on. I also need to fill out that scholar ship thing and get it to Mrs. Woolsey, Mrs. Kelly, and Barb. Don't let me forget. Veeeeerrryyy important.
Ok I think that's all I've got for now. No .. wonderful words or wisdome or whitty ending. Just.. I'll be back later to jab at cha some more.