2004-12-01 - 11:54 p.m.
Have you ever just wanted to pretend to be somebody else? I mean, that's a pretty broad generalization but doesn't that make it more interesting to contemplate. Be someone. Anyone, just for a day. See if things really are .. what's that saying.. ahh yes "Greener on the other side." There isn't anything that has happened that makes me want this... flippy person thing to happen. Absoultely no desire to be a specific someone else.. the only feelings I seem to be able to regester laterly are the feelings that make me want to do either dumb or bad things. LOL. Yeah.. i'd neever do those.
Righto. Whatever you want to think is fine by me. Don't need your shit, don't want your shit... Blah to you.
How is it that there can be so many people who care about one person, but that one person doesn't see it? She feels so worthless and shitty. Like she should be the type of person who people gang together to throw off a bridge or something.. ya know? To herself, she's horribly hideious and nasty and mean and just an all around bad person. Yet to others, other's who either don't know anybetter or haven't experianced something greater... they're in "love." It makes no sense to me. I'm not seeing the.. sense here. I'm not seeing how everyone else seems to miss/bypass/ignore the bad things and skip right to the good... It's dumb.. It's leading them selves out on a rope to get killed/dropped/maimed.
I guess one day they'll wake up and she'll be upset that she didn't realize she had them while she did, She'll regret the fact she didn't thank them and try to show them the love they so willingly gave to her. And when that day comes, she'll realize she's capabale of those feelings and can return them, but by then the people who loved her will be gone. Moved on, sick of her shit. I wish that day would fucking hurry up and get here cause I want her to be done with that bullshit.
Wake up and smell the roses darling because as much as you keep hiding you just dont seem to realize that you are setting yourself up for a long painful road that will end in such a horribly lonely and pathetic way not even those ugly old men who are supposed to be sitting at heaven's gate will be able to feel sorry for you because your death was such a joke.
I guess it's not too nice to joke about death. About heaven's gate and the happenings up there.. If there exhists.. Heh, I contemplated going to church the other day. I was so fucking lonely I wanted to go to church just to see somebody I didn't know smile at me. You get a lot more smiles when you have regular colored hair.
I want my pink back. I'm going to dye it again. I'm going to dye it after christmas break. Yep. and it will kick ass. And then I'll be the fun me again. The really fun me The one who runs around without a care in the world and pretends like everybody is her friend and nothing can phase her and .. yep. I miss that me. I want that me back. I don't want someone to help me though. I want to find that me on my own. I know it's there. It was there before. I can find it again.
I haven't been able to place a finger on the moods I've been in lately. They either change so much.. or just stay the same.. and I can't .. find the word for how I feel. I can't find the word, the thought, the .. anything. It's so fuckin useless. Like me! Gah! Not good for anything. Except decorating the theatre. I'm good for that. Unless scott put those fucking christmas balls up in the window. Then I won't even have been good enough to keep them hidden. LOL.
I'll leave you with a light note. Remember no matter how many differen't things cross your mind.. none of them are true.
*don't ask me what that meant.. it just popped in my head*
prev / next