2005-02-16 - 10:47 a.m.
I suppose it doesn't matter how hard you set your mind to something sometimes. You can come to a descision and be positive that you know exactly what you are going to do and how you are gong to handle things and then the moment comes, and all logic goes out the window. All of your planning, all of your ideas.. and for a minute, for an hour, for a day, everything is fine. But then the feelings come back. and you start thinking, maybe you did fuck up. Maybe you really should do what you inteded.
Heh. Yeah well I put myself in that position. Yep. I had everything undercontrol, I knew what I was going to say, I thought I knew what he would say.. but then there we were. I told him I wanted to give him space to get his shit together.. and then i lost it. I didn't want to give him space. Heh. I know he doesn't care either way. For him.. this is one of those. . . I can move on and find someone new in ten minutes type things. Maybe that is what scares me. I think I might be the one who has all the feelings this time. For once i thihnk I know how everybody felt when I was trying to push away. Trying to run away. Trying to get the hell out.
For me this is real. For him.. I think it's a game.
So here I am. Stuck in this..circle of confusion and pain and uncertainty. All things I've worked very hard to keep myself away from. All things I've run from my entire life. Funny thing is.. I don't want out. And even if I did.. i couldn't. Maybe that's why things are so fucking horrible right now. LOL. Three days ago.. I could have said holy hell I haven't been this happy in forever. A three day trip can really fuck with your head. Now I'm all confused and .. he's distant.. and i'm.. lost.
I'm not sure what all I want to do now. The same feelings are coming back. The need to give him space so he can figure his shit out. The desire to stop going in stupid cirles. I thought he was the one who needed to grow up. Kinda looks like I need to learn to grow up and butt out.
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