2005-02-28 - 9:55 p.m.
To the two people I KNOW I love (mainly the one who i still think has a chance):
I had what one would call a ... revelation today. A sudden realization. Perhaps it was something a friend said to me... perhaps it was just something finally clicked when you told me you drank last night. No. When SHE told me you drank last night. So here it is, the way I feel, written somewhere you will never ever see it... Mainly because I don't have the guts to say any of this to you.
I love you. In all honesty, with everything I have, this is the one thing I've ever been certain on. The one time I know for a goddamn fact that what I feel is real. I know with you, because it's the same with her. I feel the same things with you that I feel with her. Yes you, mom. This is to you too, so you will be mentioned. See.. I've got this pattern.. this.. way of working things out. I always go for the wounded ones.. Heh, the ones with problems like yours. With addictions. I trace it back to you, thought one of my friends pointed out I shouldn't.. but I do.
See I've met someone, someone I love. I use that word because I mean it. For once.. For once i'm not saying it with uncertainty. I know, because I feel the same way for him that I do for you. I want to be there every minute of everyday. I want to be his reason.. Like I'm yours. I want to be able to put myself out there. I want him to hurt me.
This was my revelation. See I want to be hurt. Because that's the way relationships work for me. If I'm the one getting hurt, and not hurting, then I'm doing things right. Then I really care. That's why no matter how upset I get, I can't let him go again. I can't lose him. I can't lose you. See the relation. I let you hurt me everyday... Now I'm letting him.
Yes you. I'm letting you hurt me. I tell you that it's me, say I'm the one who's not getting out.. say I'm the one letting it get to me... but seriously.. one hundred percent serious here. I'm with you because I know you'll hurt me. It's what I want. And need. I know I can never be important enough, strong enough, caring enough to change your mind. To stop the things you do, but I stay. I wait for you to fuck up and then I get hurt. I build up all this hope, on purpose... and then you pull out the gun and shoot down the small balloon of faith i've managed to blow up.
But it's ok. Seriously, It's ok. I know how you work, cause it's the same way she works. She cares about the rush, the escape, the feeling of importance that you get when you do that kinda shit. Trust me, I've done it before, I know how it makes you feel. But I quit. I quit while I was ahead... and I'll never be like her, like you mom. Ever. I don't want to be like you, you disgust me. With everything I have I am disgusted by you. The way you look, the way you smell, the way you smile and laugh and act. The whole damn thing makes me sick. Everyday I look in the mirror and I see you. Because I am you. But smarter. And I always will be. Smarter that is. Not you. I can't be like you. It's like.. an unwritten law.
But See.. I can still have a form of you in my life. With him. Yes you. I look at you and I see what my mom was 15 years ago. I see the exact way she threw her life away. The exact same way she said "I'll quit tomorrow." And that's why I'm still with you. That's why I can't let you go again. At least not permanantly. God knows we'll probably break up over and over again. Heh, unless you get so sick of me you keep it that way. Which wouldn't surprise me. I give you so much shit. Take you on this rollercoaster of emotions. Of my emotions and my bullshit.
Funny thing about all this is I can see myself with you forever. Well.. not forever because I don't trust forever, but I can stand you. I want you around all the time. It's like I feel like you throw me into the back of your head all the time, so i'll always be playing this game. This.. "earn importance game" where you forget about me long enough to get shitfaced and then I have to force my way back into your head again. Get you to promise to try again. To let it go. That's why i'm positive I can't get sick of you. You keep me trying. You make me earn it. Or ... at least you accidently make me earn it. It couldn't be a consious thing cause that would just be weird... But either way. It's good. And you're stuck with me for a very long time.
As for you, mother dearest. I haven't given up yet. See, I say I do because I know if I think it enough I can at least fool myself for long enough to fool everybody else. Grandma still thinks I hate you. Thinks I've thrown out all hope.. but it's not true. I hold on. I hold on so tight that I bet the hope can't even breath anymore cause my grip is so fucking hard. I build and build and build all these walls.. all these barriers just to hide things from you. Like how much I care, and how much I want you around, and how much I need you. Need a mommy. Even an unstable one. And I wait for you to rip them down. To barge through and say "I really do love you too and you really do come first!" Heh. I suppose That's what I'm waiting for both of you to do. I'm waiting in line to be important. I'm second right now. Second in line. Second is almost first. I'm only second to the bottle.
Don't think I don't love you.