2005-03-10 - 3:47 a.m.
Three o clock in the fucking morning, on a school night and I can't sleep. Heh, I'll give you a guess as to why? Come on, any takers? Can anybody tell me why I can't sleep? Anybody have an accurate guess as to why I'm not lying in my bed sleeping and dreaming and waiting for morning? Heh, How's about I tell you.
I had one fucking rule. One rule. "If you get drunk, I don't want to hear about it." Which is logical right? I think tis pretty logical. He does stupid things when he's drunk, says stupid things, I shouldn't have to hear about it. Right? Right. I think that's a pretty reasonable request. So i'm sleeping.. sleeping pretty well too and all of a sudden my phone rings. Now, when my phone rings at three o clock in the morning I'm pretty fucking sure I know who it is. He's the only one who calls at three in the morning... so i'm pretty happy. I mean... hey he is going back to jail for fifteen days tomorrow... why wouldn't I be happy to hear from him? Yeah well.. I'll let you guess again.. Oh yeah, I'm sure it's a hard one.
He's drunk. Well drinking actually. His "sister" decided that since he was "turning himself in" tomorrow that he should go and get completely smashed. Great sister huh? I mean it's not like it's a stupid thing to go into jail with a hangover right? Needless to say I didn't feel much like talking.
When you think you're hearing from somebody just casue they want to talk to you you feel all special, when you find out you are hearing from somebody simply because they feel they need to call and apologize (while they are drunk) you start to wonder exactly why you picked up the phone. Yeah well.. I hung it up. "i'll go back to sleep no big deal" that's what I'm thinking. Well... three thirty rolls around and passes and my phone rings again.
"Sryy for the x wman alksdjkflas;djf" Fucked if i know what he said. All I know is i couldn't fucking understand it. "Chris slow down, what are you talking about." "x mwn.. You know.. my ex... ex wmn" Right. You're guess is as good as mine because at that point Jean tells him to get off the phone. Click. No goodbye ... nothing.
Yeah well I call back. I want to know what the hell is up and I can't sleep anyways. At this point jean has the phone. "Hey poof how's it going? We'r all out at my brothers house. I'm doing chris a favor." A FAVOR? Getting him drunk the day BEFORE he goes back to jail, THE DAY BEFORE HE HAS TO BE UP AT 8 O CLOCK IN THE MORNING TO CHECK INTO OUR CITY JAIL.... THAT'S DOING HIM A FAVOR?
Well shit.. I'll be damned. I must not do too many people too many favors cause that sure isn't on my list. GOD DAMNIT. Now It's about four in the morning and the sleep isn't coming. I wish I was tired, but I'm kinda just thinking about getting up and taking a shower... reading a book... doing something to keep my mind off the fucking ass hole who is my life.
Heh. He tried to get me to tell him i loved him. Jean still has the phone and he says "tell her to say she loves me and I'll call her in the morning." Hah, I have to give it to jean, she didn't think it was the best idea to have me say I love him. "Take the fucking phone and tell her you love her. She shouldn't have to fucking say it, she's still with your sorry ass isn't she?"
Yeah well.. we'll see how that goes. If I talk to him in the morning he's going to be pretty upset. I'm pretty upset. He won't know that. I can't tell him that... cause he's already going to be "so sorry" and "love me so much" that I'm sure i'm going to be sick of hearing it. JAIL. Fifteen fucking days of jail and the ONE thing that I know he knows I don't like ... he does. THEN FUCKING CALLS ME TO TELL ME ABOUT IT! Fuck you damnit!
See with her, I wasn't old enough to know what was going on. She could leave for hours and i had no idea she was going to get drunk or to get high or any of that shit. But i'm not little anymore chris. I can't pretend to be oblivious cause I'M NOT. I just don't know what to do here ... now...
You've backed me into a corner. You were doing so fucking good and then BAM. She did it again. Hah. She.. It's not her fault. You could have fucking said NO. YOU COULD HAVE SAID NO! But no no.. that'd be wrong cause your "sister" wanted to do you a "favor." Sorry. How dare I get in the way of you and your sister. Let me step aside and let her fuck up what I've fixed. Let her take you out every fucking night and get you wasted. Cause I don't fucking care. Not in the sense that "I don't care." Cause believe me at one point I would say that and not mean it... but in the sense that i really DON'T FUCKING CARE!
You obviously don't. Why should I? Why should I work on something that isn't my problem, all by myself. I'll tell you why: I SHOULDN'T. This is your bullshit and I'll fucking be there for you but I won't be your parent. You threw those away I'm not going to take their place. I will love you with everything I have. Now if that's not good enough, (which... by the look of things is not) then I'll just sit back and watch. Watch as you fuck yourself over again and again. Cause my interventions don't seem to work.