2005-04-05 - 9:42 p.m.
It seems like it's been forever since i've picked up a pen or pulled open my computer to just write a bit. It seems like forever since I've had a minute to sit back and write something. TOday is one of my first days of in a long time. I go to work tomorrow as usual and all will go back to it's routine. Heh, guess what?
Things are in their good stages again. Like, really good stages. I am really really happy. Chris is doing so much better since he got out of jail. He hasn't gotten completely smashed, he's not smokeing (very much), and he's not getting in trouble.
Things were really rocky at first. I was worried and uncomfortable and always wondering what I should expect next. Never exactly sure... ya know? Anywho. THere was a little thing. Not a big thing... I mean... OK.. HIs mom rented him a hotel room for a couple nights... so he would have somewhere to stay... somewhere safe and warm and that he was allowed to be... See he usually sneeks over to adams house and hides in the small garage room... but anyways... I was over till late saturday... or maybe it was friday night and then I came over early the next morning.... anyways... I could tell.. I smelt alcohol on his breath and I could smell it in the room, but I aksed him.. I layed down right next to him looked him in the eyes and said "did you drink" he said "no." flat out. I asked him if he swore.. if he promised.. yes... both times. Ok.. fine. He promised, the end. OR at least it should have been. He kissed me and i coul taste it. I knew I could... There's a few things i've come to recognize, one alcohol and it's taste, and when my boyfriend is lying to me. Even without the first hint... So i let it go. We spent the morning together just laying down and being together and I ignored it. ON purpose.
Well, most of you know me, and know that I can't ignore that kind of thing for very long before it really starts to bug me. I'd decided since he'd said he had been drinking with Joe and Angel and Nichole that the only way I could know the truth was to ask. Well I don't know angel, I don't like Nichole (mainly cause she hits on chris), so joe was my only choice. I knew he wouldn't lie to me. I knew I could trust him.
Well for the most part I was right. He didn't lie to me ... per say.. but he did say chris didn't drink. The thing about joe is he is a lot like adam. He can't lie without my being able to tell. I knew he wasn't telling me the truth. Bam. I was pissed. He lied, and made me feel like an idiot for being so fucking proud of him. . . I just... IDIOT!... that's how i felt. (say it.. i know you want to)
SO anyways. Needless to say I brought it up... I asked him again. I told him I needed him to tell me because drinking pissed me off, but lying hurt me. So he said "THis morning. Nine fourty-fivish". Ok. He'd admitted it. "Not at all with joe and angel and Nichole." Ok too. Actually .. really ok cause that would have kinda upset me... WELLLLLL How many of you believe that story? COme on... how many of you think that Chris was in a room with three people who were drinking and didn't take one sip for himself? Tch.. yeah me either.
I talked to adam. Adam had been in juneau all weekend. Chris had called adam the night before. That night he was with them in the room with the alcohol. He had called adam... yes ladies and gentleman you guessed it.. he called him drunk. Because he did drink. With joe. and angel, and more importantly.... nichole. I told you why i don't like her. Well imagine why I wouldn't like her with chris while he's drunk... *sigh* anyways. I confronted him. Asked him why he would lie. After I straight up told him I knew and needed him to tell me the truth. AFter the way I trusted him. After...
I just.. I thought I deserved more. No.. knew I deserved more. So i told him that. Guess what he said? The usual. THe same line. "I"m so sorry" *sigh* It's a vicious circle. I forgave him. Of course I did. That's what I do. I always do.
Anyways. On another note.. I've gotten really sick of people who make fun of him. Call him a dead beat. Tell him he's not going anywhere. Can't be anything. I think if he has enough determination he can do anything he puts his mind to. I just don't know wehre it is he wants to go. What he wants to do. I was really into the army idea. I thought that would have been a good smart move. But you know, I'm here to be supporting, not pushing. So if he doesn't go. That's his choice. I still love him.
A lot.
Anyways. I have a french girl staying with me. her name is Marie-Charlotte. SHe is the sweetest thing you will ever meet. I was a littel worried when she first showed up cause she seemed like she really didn't want to be around.. turned out I'd just gotten the wrong impression. She's had a lot of fun here these last couple days. It's been awesome. So cool. Going to france is going to be fun. I almost wish I was staying with her.
Heh. That trip to france is goign to scare me so bad. I am going to be so lost. My french is not nearly good enough. I'm going to stand there like the stupid american that I am, pretending to know what is going on with the rest of them. I do this thing now... with the french kids here where I switch into this relaly funny french accenty thing ... I have no idea why. I think a lot in french too. The things I'm typing now I almost want to try in french... too badn there's no e's with accents on my keyboard. LOL. NO no no. Not really. THat'd be really.. umm... yeah cool me.. cool.
Heh. The month I'm gone I'm going to go nuts. I'm not going to be around to keep watch on chris. I know he's a grown up and should be able to handle himself, but ... he won't have initiative. He won't have me pushing him. Watching him. Loving him. . . I just.. I'm worried. He says by then he'll have been clean enough, long enough to keep out of trouble. God I hope he's fucking serious. I really hope he's fucking serious. *sigh* anyways It's late and I'm thinkin i want to call tommi.... sooo peace guys. I love you all. Stay cool and don't stop writing.
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