2005-04-06 - 11:20 p.m.
Wow. The biggest fucking fight in the entire world broke out today. I swear to god. The biggest fight. Ok.. first off, he's been hanging out with Jean a little here and there. Fine ok. Whatever, just don't drink with her. Not much to ask. Anyways, he brought me a flower, and a really really really really really cute GREEN bunny rabbit today. It was the sweetest thing. You always know something horrible is going to happen when they bring you things. It's like some sort of unwritten law or something..
So anyways, yesterday I got a phone call from my mom. She was in the hospital. Her third fucking overdose in the last couple of months... She said this time she was actually going to do it. She said "this time she had a purpose." I hung up on her yesterday. Chris hugged me, took care of me.. it went away. She called again today. Apparently I'm the only one who hasn't "given up on her." Kip gave up, kelsey gave up, my grandma gave up, everybody. Except me. I'm the "sole reason she's alive right now." If it wasn't for me she really would have done it. Instead of just scared everyone... which is why she really does it. Just to make sure we are all still watching, waiting. God I hate her. I feel so horrible because sometimes I just fucking wish she would. Just... just so it would all go away. So she couldn't hurt anyone anymore. So i couldn't feel it, so kelsey couldn't feel it, so kip wouldn't suffer... God. I hate it.. I relaly really do. I'm sick. I'm such a sick fucking person. I really am.
I didn't tell him. I had told him yesterday about it happeneing... but I didn't tell him. I didn't want to. I thought I could hold it in enough to not let it get to anywone.. not let anyone know howupset and hurt and fucking scared i was. and am. It's sick... I love her so much and that is what scares me the most. That even through all the shit. I can't let go. Heh, that's how it is with him. See, I got really really upset. So upset and, it was soo random that I just took my keys from his pocket, left the theatre, got in my car, and drove away. I didn't pay any attention to what he might be thinking or any of it. I just left. Got in my car drove in a circle, screamed for a minute, came back and as I pulled into the driveway of the theatre, he walks out. Cigarette in hand.
FUCK. I don't know if you fucking know how much it upsets me when he smokes, but think about something that really hurts you and pisses you off and multiply it by ten then there ya go. Of course it's multiplied by ten billion the way i feel about him drinking. Gr... I thought about chasing him down, but i knew what he was doing. He was trying to piss me off. GOD IF HE ONLY FUCKING KNEW! ...I didn't even think about it before i had taken off. I always tell him, always say "don't just walk away when your pissed. Let's talk about it." blah blah blah. But then there I went straight out the fucking door. I should have thought about it. But I didn't. So we talk. I knew he smoked. I'm not stupid. Joe had been talking to me outside my car. I had asked him if he'd given chris the cigarett. I also found out that Chris had been telling everyone that I was ok with his drinking. That we talked about it and I was ok with it. Pschhh.. yeah... right. Anyways, joe stands there for a few and then goes inside and chris looks at me and goes "You're going to be really mad at me." Bingo. Of course I was going to be fucking mad you goddamn ass hole. that is the one thing that pisses me of the most that you can do without making me ... REALLY upset. He knew that. That's why he did it.
anyways, one thing leads to another and a little disagreement over smoking and him and fighting and me and my anger and boom. We are at it. He gets really pissed storms off, and I head back into the theatre. "It's never ok." is what I tell joe. Because that had been the last question we'd left off with when we'd been talking. He'd asked if it was ok if chris drank... or .. when it was.. or something like that. Joe got into it about how chris should never do shit like that blah blah blah.. one led to another and then chris walks in the door.
I pull him into the entry way of the theatre, take his hand and say something to the effect of "I'm going to tell you I hate this, You're going to apologize, there's going to be a calm point for about two days, You're going to do it again, and it'll just lead to another loop. There is no point in me saying anything, and no point apologizing because I know you are not sorry."
That conversation developed. I got upset, Told him if he drank one more time that I was done. I'd quit. He flipped.
"You only love me for what you want me to be. Not for who I am."
that's what he said to me. Then he elaborated. went into deep detail on how all I was doing was making him what I wanted. I dropped his hand, backed away, looked up at him and said "I want you to not hurt me." Then started crying. "Is that too much to ask?" I'm sorry I'm sorry i'm sorry. That's what I heard.
We moved the conversation to the car. Drove accross the bridge and parked in the harbor. I preceded to tell him how upset i was. HOw dissapointed I was. What he was doing to me.. all that shit... he'd argue. I'd argue... it was bad. Finally I just broke down. I just fucking broke down. I cried and cried and fucking cried and couldn't stop myself, no matter how hard I tried.
He wrapped his arms around me trying to tell me to stop, but I couldn't. I wasn't in control anymore. I just couldn't stop crying. So i cried. For about ten minutes it was just us sitting there me crying and him whispering to me. When it finally stopped I just took a minute to think. He asked me what it was I was thiking about and i told him. "It's not fair for me to do this to you." I told him the three different routes that I was thiking about.
One where I quit. Right there just quit trying to help, quit trying to be there.. all of it.
Another where I stopped caring. Quit trying to care and just let him take whatever fucking road he wanted. Just to be there for the ride.
The last was to go on the way we were. Letting myself get hurt and knowing when it would come.
none seemed good options. SO we talked. I told him how i felt, he told me how he felt. We got into another argument about how he wasn't me and couldnt' just drop an addictoin like that. He didn't have anyone there to help me. I was all he had. I asked him flat out "am I enough. Shouldn't I be enough." He played it off as if i was.. Oh yeah you are all I need but--- blah blah blah. Finally AFter talking about many occasions where he'd gotten drunk and not bothered to call me once BEFORE so that i could talk him out of it, and bam. He admits it. "You're not always enough."
GOd that hurt. I didn't tell him, but that hurt more than anything else had said tonight. When someone tells you you are not a good enough reason to quit something... shit it hurts... But i kept my mouth shut. Fine. "Fine" was all I had said.
and boom. Another argument. "Why would you just take off and leave like that?" He'd asked. So i told him. I was upset. "MY FUCKING MOM CALLED AGAIN OK!" Was all I could get in before bursting into another fit. More tears. More pain, more humiliation, more vulnerability. God it sucked.
That was it. That was the last straw. I had broken down and lost control. There was nothing I could do to get it back. I just cried and cried.. and he held me. He told me everything would be ok. He was sorry. It was all his fault. I needed to stop crying ... all this stuff. I just listened. Then he said something. Not a promise, just a statement. "I"m going to try. If you think I can do it, I'm going to try and just quit everything. Right now."
It wasn't a promise. I'm not going to get my hopes up, but I am going to say that I am more in love with him now than I have been before and I don't ever want to lose him. Or want to come close to being thrown away.
Oohh.. Let's not even talk about lillian.