2005-04-12 - 12:14 a.m.
Wow. It's been a long and crazy and fucked up day. I don't even know where to start or how I can end.
I was so pissed yesterday. We were at four months exactly and he had to go off to mom's house. "Yeah I'll catch you later, i'm getting a ride to mom's." Mom. Why does he call her that? It's not his mom. It may be her house that she's letting him stay in, but i've met his mom, and I like her. Bah. Either way I ended up upset and hurt and crying... as usual. Only to myself though. I'm done crying in front of him. . . Anywho, today I was expecting a big blow out... "Sorry sweetie I got drunk last night..." The usual. Instead I don't hear from him all day.. that is not until about five ish.
One of his friends od'd. He saw it... watched it, waited for the ambulence. He had been at the hospital all day with jean and a couple other people... waiting for him to get better.
I had no idea how to handle that... None. He saw... what I have seen. He watched as someone let go of life and grasped onto it again until someone iwth a medical degree could pull them onto a stretcher and into an ambulence. From the ambulence to search.
Search was where my mom was. The first time she od'd.... they took her to the critical care unit on the second floor... then to the rehaby area on the third floor i think... the point is.. He called sometime during work saying he was going to show up at the theatre.. a couple hours later no word... then a little around seven he calls again and says he'll be there shortly.... needless to say he never showed up. Around nine i called jeans phone and asked if he was still around. He was still at the hospital. God how i didn't want to go there. not in the slightest.
But i did. I wanted to see him.. so I went. I parked in the parking lot and sat there for what seemed like forever trying to decide if i wanted to go up or not. So I just kinda sat there .. for about half an hour I stared at the door. Finally I took a deep breath then went into search second floor... critical care unit. East side.
Memories flooded back as I went up the stupid elevator. Of course the second I saw him everything else faded and for a few moments I forgot about anything except making him happy. He looked so upset and out of place. Jean was sitting on the floor but scooted over and let me sit down. For a minute I just breathed. In out in out.. you know how it goes.. then after not to long he wanted to go. So we went..
We talked for a while then we made up and all was good. Now i'm home and more confused than ever. I keep floating in and out of this horrible phase where I don't say or do anything except wonder and think and... god I have no idea. I haven't gone to any of my appointments in months and I really think I need to. I need to find out what the fuck is wrong with me.. cause something is. ... anywyas it's late and I'm going to get offline in hopes that he calls at somepoint... ngiht all