2005-04-20 - 1:42 a.m.
I don't know what to think. Honestly. For once I am completely clueless. For one... today has just been an all around hell related day. Everything is so jumbled and confused and mixed up. Silver died... my grandpa actually cried and i... I just held him. I was the adult. I cried a little too... but not as much as she deserved. She was a good poodle... a good dog.. and a great friend. The house is going to be lonely.
Teh theatre was slow today. People came and went. My moods went up and down with their appearances. They tend to do that. I realized I have a lot of cooped up hostility for a particular old pal of mine. I suppose I'm not really sure why.. I'll figure it out I guess. Anyways. Chris left early. For the first time in a while... that we haven't been fighting when he just.. kinda left. He went and helped adam out with Ryans truck.. Cool.. I guess.
I dunno.. left me feeling kinda deserted, but it went away. Until I got home. My grandma was home we had a nice chatt about how she and my grandpa might not work out and blah blah blah.. People fall out of love after thirty years.. all this other garble gook.. I don't know I wasn't.. all there for the conversation.. My mind tends to wonder.
Either way.. Chris calls once and then again. He just seemed kinda distant. I guess adam got sick as hell .. drank. Huh. I don't know what's going on with him, and I don't want to. He deserted me as far as i'm concerned. Anywho.. Like i said chris just seemed kinda far away.. out there.. Like he really didn't want to be talking to me. It's jeans birthday today... they were all over there drinking and what not so.. I don't know maybe he didn't touch anything.. maybe he did. I can't really tell.. honestly.
He seemed so adult. So grown up.
I know. Hard to believe. but.. listen. After we got off the phone about oneish.. after a two second or so conversation about meaningless bullshit... i just kinda lay back, pull out my journal thing and scribble away. Talking about my doubts.. things that have gotten me worried.. Things I don't write about here... Then I just kinda layed back in my bed and stared around. Thinking. Thinking maybe he was done. Maybe he was getting tired of me and ... My time was almost over.
Anyways. he calls back. at one thirty ish just as I'm thinking about how badly i want someone to talk to. Anyone to talk to. Just to hear someones voice... he calls. The phone rings I pick it up and there he is.
"You sounded upset when we got off the phone earlier. I wanted to call you back and hear your voice."
I didn't know what to say. I was happy and sad all at the same time. My heads still kinda swirled with thoughts of my puppy and my grandparents.. I just felt lonely. And there he was. To comfort me. Like he knew I was thinking bout him.
That's not the half of it though. The things he said were so comforting. He sounded... different. Grown up. We talked about moving in together. About how Mom is going to rent out the place they are living in right now and Jean and adam and Jen and Mike and Chris are all thinking about staying there. He wants me with him. . . He also said he wants to make thigns real. He wants a job and.. responsibility.. all this stuff that i've just kinda been tossing around.. thinking about asking about.. he says.
It almost made me wonder if he was drunk.
No.. I lied. It really made me wonder. He never talks like that. About anything. Then he just goes quiet and says "I have something I want to ask you, and you can't lie to me." So he does. He asked me if i wanted to be with him forever.
At first.. I didn't know what to say ya know.. what is the right thing to say to someoen like that? I just kinda took a breath and said.. 'i think so.'
That defintintly wasn't what he wanted to hear. But it's how I felt. I told him I know for a fact I dont' want to be with someone else.. I just.. forever is a long time to think about. and I wasn't sure. He took it fine.
I told him about my grades. How bad theyh are getting and what not. How they are all low c's now. That's bad. I don't do that. He says I need to get to work. He's tired of parents and friends and everyone always looking down on him because it's his fault things slip. He says he wants us to work. To be acceptededed and stuff. Bah.. It's all so much to think about. and I can't get to sleep.. it's two in the morning and I'm not tired. Maybe I'll pop more buffy in the t.v.....maybe I'll lie and think about more stuff...