2005-07-20 - 2:34 a.m.
Wow. It seems like it's been a bajillion and one years since i've even thought about looking at this thing. Heh... Go figure.
Well... I'm home from france. It was a long and fun trip, and I really think I learned a lot. I guess the funny part for me is the fact that all the things I learned mostly pertained to home. Here... Chris...
Yeah yeah. I know, you're sick of hearing about him. Oh well. Go away then, cause I'm going to talk. I've heard so much shit about him. Honestly, so much shit. Stuff about him cheating on me, stuff about him drinking, smoking, being stupid. It's funny though, cause I come home and... BAM. All this stuff is shoved in my face, and I just don't care. I'm just glad I'm home, and I can be with him. Just see him... Is that completely stupid? SOmething tells me it is.
I don't know what to do with it though. Cause as much as I didn't care... I had to wonder. Shouldn't I care? Shouldn't that be a big thing? Maybe.. I'm not as serious as I thought about him. I mean I know all I did was miss him, but now that I'm home.. I'm begining to wonder. The stuff he says.. The stuff he talks about... I don't know If i can commit like he wants to. Hell.. I don't even know if he can commit like he wants to.
I'm even curious as to what it would be like with other people. If it wasn't for the fact that I was worried that something would happen to him if I broke up with hime, like he'd go back to the way things were... quit working, move out of jason and shandra's... I don't know. I honestly don't. I still care about him. I really do. I just don't know if I love him like i thought I did. I don't know if I love him the forever kind. hell.. I don't know if I love him the for a little while kind.
I don't know. I wonder how things would be if both of us were with someone else. I know if I saw him with anybody else I'd be a very unhappy kid. I'd want him back in my arms wehre he belongs...
Then why do I keep thinking about what it would be like to be in other people's arms. Is he wondering the same thing, or am i pulling this out of my ass?
I don't even know how to go about finding the answers to that kinda thing. Tch.. I don't even know if I want to.
I think I should go to bed and try and get some rest. It's been a long day and tomorrow's only bound to get longer.