2006-02-11 - 1:44 a.m.
It seems like it's been years since I've been able to write a thing. My world has been turned and flipped and pushed and pulled so many different ways, I'm not even sure which is up, and which is down.
Everything has been... so pretend. The last couple months... Especially the last week. I haven't really written anything, or talked to anyone about how it feels at all. How I feel. It's hard, and it's different.
The first day I was there ... was hell. They did an ultra sound, drew my blood, then gave me a pap. A pap smear is something I wish i never ever had to do again. It's frightening and scarey and hard and... Morally demeaning. She stuck so many different things that I didn't recognize into me. Things I didn't want... Fuck, I didn't even want her to be around. But she was. It was all real. And it wasn't over there.
I've never really had cramps, as far as my period goes. Actually, to be completely honest, I can't remember ever having cramps before. They put these two seaweed things inside of me and leave them there, then send me back to the hotel telling me I will be in pain very much like bad cramps. "Great." I'm thinking, "cramps aren't that bad." HA. Cramps is an understatement to what those fuckers felt like. It was like being kicked in the bladder... and when you went pee... it was like peeing with a tampon still inside of you.
Shandra and I laid there all night talking and watching weird television shows. It was fun...
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